One possible answer is defense mechanisms, a common psychological process that is an automatic and typically unconscious response to protect the ego from distressing thoughts or feelings about others, a situation, or ourselves. It can be remarkably hard to accept that we have the capacity for badness (meanness, selfishness, aggression, pettiness, not knowing, being wrong, etc.) or that we can impact others in negative ways (goofs, mishaps, mistakes, balls being dropped, lies, betrayal, etc.).

There are some factors that can influence the frequency and types of defense mechanisms used by individuals, including developmental stage (e.g. a child who denies drawing on the wall or a teenager who minimizes having missed their curfew by 2 hours), emotional sensitivity, personality traits, lack of knowledge about healthier skills, and past trauma.

Defense mechanisms are not inherently good or bad, but they can cause hiccups in our personal growth and relationships. At times, the hiccups can cause real distress. Some common defense mechanisms are:

Avoidance: Evading situations or thoughts that trigger anxiety or distress. Example: A person engages in texting another person on a dating app. However, they feel very uneasy meeting new people face to face so they stall on setting up a date, confusing the other person that would like to pursue a connection.

Compensation: Overachieving to make up for perceived deficiencies. Example: A person wants to become a musician, but fears that they aren’t talented enough so they excel in music theory in college to compensate for their perceived lack of talent.

Denial: Refusing to acknowledge or accept. Example: A person has a severe substance addiction which is impacting their health, work, relationships, and has even gotten them in trouble with the law. When confronted by friends and family, they are adamant that they can stop using at any time.

Displacement: Redirecting negative emotions or impulses to a less threatening target. Example: A person’s business partner is really stressing them out, but they do not feel that they can confront the partner so they snap at their spouse instead.

Fantasy: Creating an imaginary world to escape from reality or to cope with stress. Example: A person is having a tough time in their relationship. They don’t know what to do to make things better. They daydream frequently about being with other people.

Intellectualization: Overemphasis on thinking to avoid feeling. Example: A person hears that their friend just lost their mother to cancer. The friend cries openly and upon seeing this, the person states that “death is just a phase of life” and as the friend continues to cry, the person adds, “at least there is no more suffering, your mom is better off.”

Minimization: Downplaying the significance of a situation or its emotional impact. Example: A person can see that their partner is too hard on their children––expecting too much of them and punishing them for minor infractions. The person doesn’t confront their partner because it’s “not that bad” and they know that their partner “has a good heart.”

Projection: Attributing one’s own undesirable feelings, thoughts, or traits to others. Example: A person struggles with their feelings of anger. They hang out with a close friend and perceive that the friend is angry with them.

Rationalization: Creating logical or acceptable explanations for behaviors or thoughts. Example: A person doesn’t make a scheduled meeting on time because they left their house too late after having made an elaborate breakfast. They blame traffic for having missed the meeting.

Reaction Formation: Displaying the opposite of one’s true feelings or desires. Example: A person doesn’t like their partner’s best friend at all. Every time the friend comes over to the house, the person goes out of their way to be accomodating, friendly, charming, and to feign interest in the friend’s life. When the friend leaves, the person frequently says things like, “We can’t wait to see you again! You’re welcome here any time.”

Regression: Reverting to earlier, less mature behaviors to cope with stress or anxiety. Example: A person is under a lot of stress in their marriage so they take to staying out late and partying with their single friends and playing video games all weekend long.

Repression: Pushing distressing thoughts, memories, or feelings into the unconscious mind. Example: A person cannot remember the details of the horrible fight they had with their mother from the day before.

Sublimation: Channeling negative emotions or impulses into socially acceptable activities or behaviors. Example: A high school student’s parents are divorcing at the same time a president is elected to office that they cannot stand. The student starts a band to fuel their feelings into songwriting and performing.

Undoing: Trying to counteract (or undo) a perceived unacceptable action or thought. Example: A person tells their friend that they are angry with them for sharing sensitive information told in confidence with a mutual acquaintance. They resolve the conflict, but the person resorts to texting the friend about how sorry they are for being angry and fears they “overreacted” even though the anger was justified and the conflict was repaired.

It can be challenging to uncover your own defense mechanisms and hard to hear about them from others. The first step is to acknowledge that you have probably been and will be defensive in your lifetime. The second is to try not to forget that it’s okay, if not necessary, to feel bad about how you feel, think, and act on occasion, but you need to learn how to tolerate shame before you get lost in a shame spiral. The following strategies may further help you:

1. Turn inward and be reflective. Notice your emotional responses. Try to understand why you might be feeling defensive. If someone else is telling you that you’re being defensive, try to listen. Therapy is a great place to work on identifying defenses.

2. Go very, very, very slow. When you feel defensive and especially when you are told that you are being defensive, try to stay calm and take a breath (or 100) before you act or speak.

3. Listen to the other person’s perspective. This may be challenging if you have inner dialogue going on about yourself (“I suck! Why can’t I do better?”) or them (“What are they talking about? I didn’t do that!”) Refrain from interrupting the other person and work hard to understand their point of view. Clarify anything you need to.

4. Hold on to yourself. Try to hear what they are telling you while remembering that your actions and behaviors don’t define your worth in totality. Practice self-forgiveness and compassion, focus on your strengths and assets, and don’t believe negative mental chatter. No shame spiraling.

5. Try to assume that what you’re hearing is coming from a friend and not a foe. If it really is a foe, the same applies––they may be offering valuable information even if they are a difficult source.
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6. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes to gain their perspective. This may sound like a repeat of #3, but it’s not. Listening intently is one thing, empathy is another.

Being dedicated to your own personal growth and maintaining healthy communication, including conflict resolution with others, can be tough work. Uncovering where you’re being defensive is a crucial step towards healthier emotional processing and more effective coping strategies that are non-violent in nature. If you would like a ‘script’ on how to manage conflict effectively, go here.